


cycles

by LightningInABottle



Series: BLUE LIPS [10]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Addiction recovery, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Drug Addiction, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Non-Graphic Smut, Recovery, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 12:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17725001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningInABottle/pseuds/LightningInABottle
Summary: Alexander's getting better, or at least, is trying to.But as much as he wants to leave his disastrous relationship history behind, Thomas is always there under the guise of help, trapping Alexander in a cycle of heartbreak.And despite everything, Alexander still doesn't want to end the loop.





	cycles

**Author's Note:**

> For enhanced reading experience, listen to cycles by Tove Lo!  
> (And read the rest of the series for context)

According to the digital clock propped up on Thomas’s nightstand, it was 2:37 AM, and yet Alexander Hamilton still couldn't sleep. Instead, he stared up at the ceiling, as sprawled out as he could be with someone lying next to him. The doctors had told him insomnia was an expected withdrawal symptom, especially considering his  _ history.  _ Alexander had thought it was all bullshit but nodded along anyways. He just figured he would take some melatonin and knock himself out if needed. But Thomas had objected, saying that it was  _ ‘habit-forming.’  _ Code for:  _ I'm not letting you get addicted to something else, you little shit.  _

So instead of sleeping like a normal fucking human being might, Alexander squinted up at the crack in the plaster of the ceiling as Thomas snored quietly beside him. He tried his best not to worry, to think of something that would just stress him out more, but his thoughts wandered anyway. It always happened when he didn't get a good hit for more than a month—jitters and anxiety. Thoughts of John and Eliza, who were now both gone. 

Eliza had blocked him, moved out of their old apartment. Not even her sisters could be persuaded to say anything to him, save for a curt text from Angelica.  _ “Eliza’s good, no help from you. Jackass.”  _ It hurt, being ignored, although he knew that he deserved it after everything he put her through. And John—he deserved to hurt over John too, deserved to let his pain fester without the usual relief of drugs. Thomas didn't understand,  _ couldn't understand,  _ how much Alexander needed to forget. 

Thomas did care for him, but he would never see everything that had happened to make Alexander the way he was. He only saw a project to fix. At least, that was what Alexander told himself when he started to feel a little  _ too  _ dependent for comfort. Alexander couldn't handle the pattern he had grown so used to repeating once more. 

“What's your name?” He turned his head to the side and whispered, a ghost of a sad smile on his lips. Thomas remained unmoving, fast asleep, so Alexander continued speaking. “I can tell you a story before we get into the game.” It was the same one, every time, with only the slightest of variations on a romance doomed to end in tragedy. Before he could stop himself, Alexander leaned over Thomas and pressed a kiss to his lips. It was bittersweet, how natural it had begun to feel.

“We fall head over heels, overnight.” From the very first night in the club, both of them were hooked on each other. “And you’ll see my face in your future.” Alexander’s voice was quiet, barely more than a murmur, but the words were so charged they seemed to electrify the air around them. 

_ —I’m in your future—in your nights— _

“Hm?” Thomas grumbled sleepily, shifting around on his pillow. Alexander brushed some stray curls out of his face, forcing his face to form a smile he didn’t feel. 

“It’s nothing. I was just thinking.” Despite the fact that he didn’t sound convincing in the slightest, Alexander watched as Thomas became increasingly more awake. It was kind of miraculous, how he could peel his eyes open at such an ungodly hour without the help of coffee. Thomas propped himself on his side, hair sticking in different directions, the outline of his body barely visible in the darkness. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Sleep thickened Thomas’s southern drawl, made it like sweet molasses. Alexander swallowed, unsure of what to say. Sometimes it felt like he and Thomas were two magnets, pulling each other as close as possible before pushing away. The tension would wind up for hours, even sometimes days, until it was unbearable to handle.  _ They were intense, on a loop 24/7.  _

“Nothing much,” he lied, propping himself up as well, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under the close scrutiny of Thomas’s gaze. “I just couldn’t sleep.” Instead of pressing the matter further, Thomas grinned. Before Alexander could process what was happening, his chin was grasped with gentle fingers and he was guided closer through the dark until his lips melted against Thomas’s. He relaxed into the kiss immediately, swiping his tongue over the seam of Thomas’s bottom lip.

As much as he hated this cycle, hated trying to navigate a relationship with someone he used to hate without any highs to pave the way, he didn’t want it to end. Thomas’s hand came to rest on Alexander’s waist, pulling them closer together, until Alexander could feel how their heartbeats quickened.  _ But reality was waiting, and they had to come up for air soon.  _ So Alexander pulled away slowly, his breath hot against Thomas’s cheek. He came up for air, just enough to see the playful question in Thomas’s eyes. 

Alexander knew he had to make a change soon, but he moved forward and pulled Thomas on top of him, kissing him fiercely enough to dispel any of his doubt. He ran his fingertips over the muscles of Thomas’s shoulders, down the slope of his back, a ghost of a whimper leaving his lips when he felt Thomas’s teeth on his neck. Arching up against Thomas, he threw his arm back to the nightstand and blindly felt for the bottle of lube.

_ —falling again— _

It wasn’t like this was a particularly new experience, he and Thomas had been hooking up far longer than they were dating. But Alexander still couldn’t prepare himself for the onslaught of feelings. Not hating Thomas was strange, but actually liking him was even stranger. So instead of confronting the unease growing in him, Alexander kissed Thomas again, this time more insistently. The complaint on the tip of his tongue was suddenly replaced with a moan.

_ —and I don't understand— _

Alexander closed his eyes, not much of a change from the pitch black of night, and lost himself in the rocking of Thomas’s hips. It was good, perfect, except for three words that kept creeping into his mind. But it was easy to distract himself with sweat-slicked skin and unrestrained groans. Letting pleasure wash over him was far easier than staying awake and dealing with his confused emotions in the middle of the night.

_ —never my plan, no— _

When Alexander shouted out Thomas’s name, it was just another round of the same old routine he was trapped in. Alexander was in a cycle, that he could admit. But how could he change it when he didn’t know when he was in it? He would argue with Thomas, go to the clinic, and make up with him later, only realizing his mistake once the cycle repeated. It was horrible and all-consuming and exactly what Alexander deserved after all he put others through.

Thomas collapsed back against the bed, completely oblivious to Alexander’s tumultuous thoughts. He grinned lopsidedly, and Alexander echoed the gesture. 

_ —I'm in a cycle—swear this is different—don't wanna end it, if you leave then I keep spinnin— _

“Now can you sleep?” Thomas asked, his breathing still slightly uneven. To his surprise, Alexander found the quiet tug of dreams pulling his eyes closed. He nodded, his response muffled by the pillow he rolled over on. After a chuckle and a too-affectionate  _ “dumbass”  _ from Thomas, Alexander felt an arm being swung over his waist, pulling him closer to Thomas. It was strangely intimate, making him want to squirm away. But instead, he allowed himself to drift, away from his thoughts, away from confusion. 

He was in a cycle, and not just with Thomas. Every relationship Alexander had ever been in ended in fiery disaster. _Please, don’t make me hate you,_ he thought at Thomas, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe it was true, that Alexander had a tendency to talk about who he’d done before Thomas, leading to more bristling arguments. But it wasn’t like Alexander was used to having to worry about Thomas’s feelings. It was simply an undisputed fact: the sky was blue, roses were red, and Alexander Hamilton had fucked plenty of people before he even spared Thomas a glance.   
_—I'm in a cycle—swear this is different—don't wanna end it, if you leave then I keep spinnin—_

Finally, Alexander fell asleep, tormented by feelings he didn’t want and words that seemed to dry his throat up every time he wanted to say them.

* * *

 

“Look,  _ Jefferson,  _ I think you’re just afraid,” Alexander hissed, clenching his hands into fists. Their petty fights from before had seemed so far away that it was an unwelcome shock to be arguing once more. Especially because of something so  _ stupid.  _ Although Alexander knew talking about your exes was somewhat of a relationship no-no, he hasn’t expected Thomas to react so badly to the slightest mention.

“Yeah?” Jefferson’s eyes narrowed into little more than thin slits, and he refused to look at Alexander directly. Somehow, the avoidance fueled the fire of Alexander’s anger even further. It had all started with a simple comment—a compliment that Alexander couldn’t even recall. And then, like a rapidly darkening sky, Thomas’s mood had shifted, leaving a dark grey storm cloud hanging above his head.

“That the way I l—care for you now and my partners in the past are all the same.” Alexander barely managed to correct his slip of the tongue, but Thomas didn’t seem to notice. Instead, he recoiled at the words as if they had struck him.  _ Is that what you used to tell everyone else?  _ Thomas had muttered, as if the fact that Alexander wasn’t the poster boy for long term relationships was anything new. 

“ _ No,”  _ Thomas corrected him, leaning back against the counter with a glare. “It just hurts me to think that what you say is exactly what you used to tell them.”  _ Them  _ being the numerous men and women Alexander slept with, or dated, or lost. They had all begun to blur, except for three. Two of which were gone, the third being an absolute jackass who was impossible to navigate feelings with.

“Don’t you think that hurts me too?” Alexander whispered, all the fight going out of him. It seemed like these days, there was barely any passion in him, like withdrawals had also drained his motivation. As angry as Alexander wanted to be at Thomas, he knew that Thomas wasn’t exactly  _ incorrect.  _ Alexander’s relationships were repeating, it was just the end that he feared most.

_ —falling again— _

Thomas stepped forward, reaching out with uncertainty. Alexander swallowed down the lump in his throat, all the emotions that threatened to come bubbling up. Since when had he begun to actually care about Thomas, who was once his sworn enemy. Some days, Alexander regretted hooking up with Thomas the night they saw each other at some trashy club. He definitely regretted letting their relationship progress this far. But he still couldn’t make himself leave.

_ —and I don't understand— _

Thomas wrapped his arms around Alexander, pulling him into a hug. Alexander couldn’t be sure if it was meant to be a comfort or an apology, but he relaxed into the embrace nonetheless. Neither of them spoke, which was both a blessing and a curse, letting Alexander’s thoughts roam without any words to distract him. He had fallen for both drugs and Thomas, got hooked on the high of a good hit while at the same time getting addicted to the way Thomas’s lips felt again his. 

_ —never my plan, no— _

But Alexander had planned to fall for the drugs, to numb the memory of John so thoroughly that all painful feelings froze up in his chest. But Thomas kept coming around and thawing his heart out, rehashing the agony of love and loss. Alexander could admit, if only to himself, that he was in a cycle. But how could he change it when all he wanted was to stay blind to the loop he was trapped in. Unwilling to break it, forced to repeat the same thing over and over. 

_ —I'm in a cycle—swear this is different—don't wanna end it, if you leave then I keep spinnin— _

Alexander squeezed his eyes shut to blink away tears, maybe at his and Thomas’s sudden argument, maybe at his realization that he was in a cycle. 

“Don't make me hate you,” he whispered against Thomas’s shoulder, clinging onto him desperately. “Just 'cause I talk about the things I've done before you…” Alexander trailed off, unsure how to continue. But Thomas stroked a hand through his hair to calm him, a quiet  _ shh _ leaving his lips.

“I know, I know,” he murmured. “I’m sorry.” 

Things were forgiven so quickly it was almost shocking. Alexander could allow himself to keep going like this, to pretend. But doubt continued to creep up on him like a persistent shadow. First John, then Eliza. Who would break his heart next and whose heart would he break in return? Thomas was a ticking time bomb, and it was only a matter of time before everything went south. But a few more replays of them together couldn’t hurt. 

_ —I'm in a cycle—swear this is different—don't wanna end it, if you leave then I keep spinnin— _

Alexander pulled away, offering a weak smile to Thomas, pretending that he wasn’t falling, wasn’t waiting for their relationship to hit the pavement. Pretending.

* * *

 

“It’s so romantic,” Alexander commented, his voice almost sarcastic over the car radio that was filling up the space between them. “In a way.” His eyes slid to the left, seeing how Thomas’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. If it was any other context, the words might’ve been sweet, but now, while Thomas was driving Alexander to the clinic for his weekly appointment, it was anything but. 

“That’s not exactly the way I would put it,” Thomas said, gritting the sentence out. Any mention of drugs around Alexander made him immediately tense up, even if it was related to getting better. On good days, Alexander understood that Thomas felt guilty about somehow causing Alexander to self destruct. But at the same time, the fact that Alexander was being treated like a fragile glass made him constantly irritable. Or maybe it was just because he hadn’t had even a sip of anything vaguely alcoholic. 

Alexander turned his head to look directly at Thomas, who was too preoccupied with trying to park that he didn’t notice.  _ Why don't you catch me when I sway?  _ He thought at Thomas was he pushed the car door open. Alexander’s heart was falling out of place and he was powerless to stop it, just like he was powerless to fight his body’s craving for a hit. 

“I know,” he said, summoning a false grin on his face as Thomas led him to the doors of the clinic. As they walked, Alexander was free to let his mind wander away from the dread of the tests the doctors would do on him, the questions they would ask. He would have to bite his tongue to keep from admitting that he was in a cycle. A cycle that he couldn’t change because he could barely know when he was in it.  

_ —I'm in a cycle—swear this is different—don't wanna end it, if you leave then I keep spinnin— _

Alexander was in a cycle, but the most frightening part of it was the end. He didn’t want to hate Thomas again, didn’t think that he could bear another loss. But it was impossible not to think of all the things he’d done before Thomas. Like John, like trying to forget John with the closest companionship in Eliza, like the drugs and booze and sex. It was a part of him now, leaving a mark on his soul. That’s what Thomas didn’t realize, that despite his best efforts, none of this would ever fully go away. 

_ —I'm in a cycle—swear this is different—don't wanna end it, if you leave then I keep spinnin— _

Alexander stepped into the cool air conditioning of the clinic, already nodding towards the receptionist. He could keep this cycle going a little longer. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! Finally!  
> Thomas really is trying his best but it's not like Alexander's making it easy for him. PITCH BLACK is a much more serious and introspective chapter of the album than the first half, and I'm trying to also reflect that in my writing.  
> Please comment and tell me what you think!  
> Thank you so much for reading <3


End file.
